I’ve started my preparation for this year’s NaNoWriMo. I’m taking notes, I read a lot of how-to guides, I want to plan the whole thing. During that time I encountered first problems… Guess what?

…creating characters makes me jealous. Yes! I really feel it, isn’t that strange? Like I’m not taking proper care about myself. Like I give away my memories to the character. My precious memories. It feels charactersjust aweful. Last night I have created my very first characters the protagonists I say in a plural form because there are two woman there Anna-Marie Alberici and Triste Moretti. But under the cover they are just two instances of the same person just captured in different stages of life. The first one is 15, the second one is 23. I was filling up questionnaires about the characters just a bunch of helpful questions about them like: How do they look like? Where do they live? What are their fondest memories? etc, etc… and it turns out to be such a difficult task to do!

Main reason that I want to write that novel is that I really want to sort out some past experiences through the eyes of my novel characters. Hopefully it will help me see them from a different perspective, with a fresh pair of eyes.

Which somehow makes me unable to write it. How do I separate this parts of me into those characters. I feel like Triste Moretti is so unfamiliar to me. I got stuck on those questionnaires. It made me feel unable to write. How do I suppose to write if I cannot answer those questions? I promised to stick to reality and in the same time I need to made up some things or otherwise unanswerable questions will stop me from writing anything at all. Therefore my characters won’t represent my experiences they will gain new life and new problems so I won’t stick to reality. What a horrible situation is it.

How to deal with jealousy? I don’t want to solve someone elses problems, what more someone who doesn’t even exist. It sounds ridiculous. I feel jealous because the novel structure will push me to somehow solve those problems and those will not be mine problems anymore. What more the very first intention of the novel assumes problem being solved and it scares me because maybe they are unsolvable and assumptions are just wrong? What if I cannot make it?

And there is a part that still tells me that I promised to be a ground-writer not a sky-writer, to not escape reality and in the same time reality seems to be unbearable so the only way to be the writer is through being sky-writer.

I feel like the story is so mine that I’m unable to get a different point of view for it so it may happen that I will talk about totally different things than I suppose to be talking. What I think now is that it actually can be good for me, the fact that I will try to solve those characters problems maybe only through escape I can return?

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