I wasn’t this kind of kid who run away from home or maybe I wasn’t born to this kind of family where kids actually are allowed to run away from home. I was meant to be a good kid. And I pretty much was. I had good grades at school, I was a volunteer etc, etc… Fine! So why the heck am I talking about runaways? Isn’t that a kind of paradox? What kind of runaways do I have on my mind?
Trying to figure out proper words I bumped into escapism term. Which means as Thesaurus says:
the avoidance of reality by absorption of the mind in entertainment or in an imaginative situation, activity, etc.
I experienced that thoroughly when I was escaping from real life into studies and from studies into sport so intensely that at the end I ended up in a hospital after a major blackout.
From the pressure of being a good kid I forced myself to always get good grades. And actually it started to be a kind of excuse for me to not take care of other things in my life. In high school I really neglected my health and well-being because I really wanted to pass. I was in one of the hardest high school in my country. During studies I was proving that I really can do engineering despite the fact that it wasn’t really my thing and that it wasn’t much interesting. Actually I was really sweating blood at that time. I had nightmares about becoming a maintenance engineer who will work all day long in a factory situated far from any civilisation surrounded only by machines and robots day by day till the very end. One of psychologist who I met in the hospital asked me (because I was about to finish the university at that time) so when this agony will end, my dear? It sounded like a perfect summary of what I was going through or maybe it just sounded like a death sentence I’m not quite sure. Was it worth it?
From the time perspective it kind of was and in the same time it kind of wasn’t. It kind of was because I have achieved my goal that straight after studies I will get a nice paying job. It wasn’t a high level goal but I do appreciate that I achieved it. It kind of wasn’t because maybe I missed something – maybe I missed the most beautiful time of my life when I was studying? Wasn’t it that time when you are the most fallinlovable? Wasn’t it that time when every door seems to be wide open and every obstacle seems to be overcomable?
On the other hand someone said that youth is the time when you know nothing and you have to decide about everything. And I really, really wanted to decide wisely.
I was running away from myself for a quite long time. The fact that I can write those words means I made a move to connect with myself. I experienced escapism into work, into studies into sport and finally into the world of illusions about reality, but even after that journey I still want to run away somewhere could it be other country, could it be a new hobby ohh just something to not feel unbearable lightness of being. I mean feeling life is not quite pleasent all of these problems stacking up around you, why not just escape from all of these? I definately don’t want to face it. Not now. Maybe I will wake up but later. Just let me dream for a while or two.